Workplace Bathroom Survival Guide

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, the following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

FLY BY:This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a

FREQUENT FLYER: People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE:This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machinegun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:This is a colleague who poops at work and is darn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the hereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential TurdBurglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TurdBurglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON:A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET:A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD:An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty.

This last one is a bonus extra bit of advice;
CROP DUSTING:When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

Hope this guide helps and don't forget to wash those hands!!

Dancing bird

The saga continues....

Before I could get a deck update posted, I had to help the wife and mom-in-law with renovating our kitchen. It's way overdue for a makeover but I've been putting it off becuase I knew it wouldn't be a pretty site when the floor was removed. I found rotted sub-floor, termite damaged joist and the bottom frame of the french doors was gone.
Worked all day Saturday and got a new door in (of course the old door wasn't a "standard" size so I had to "make it fit".

You can see some of the new deck in the pics. I'll post some more of the
"Extreme Home Make-Over:When's It Gonna End? Edition"
as I continue forging ahead with repairs.

Deck Update - Day 1

Tore in to the old deck this morning. Got a truck and trailer full and still not quite finished.



Hope to get everything removed in the morning and have post in the ground by the afternoon and ready to frame up on Saturday.

My shoulders are killing me from swinging a small sledge hammer while removing the deck boards.

I'm surprised (and relieved) I didn't find any critters under there.

It just never ends !!

I thought I would relax a little while tonight and sit by the pool while the kids swim.

Just sit in the recliner with the Macbook Pro and do a little surfing.

Thats when I noticed the old deck has separated from the rim joist due

to a rotted post and 4 of the 7 joist are barely hanging on by the nails!

It's a wonder it hasn't collapsed.

Now I have to decide to patch it or go ahead and rip it all out and start over.

It is 19 years old so I shouldn't complain about it rotting, but I am just getting close to finishing the deck around the pool and now this.

Oh well. Just more things to add to my never ending list.

Mega-Church Myths

Here is a blog from Ragamuffin Soul about mega churches - it's pretty accurate.
Click here to link to the original post.

Mega-Church Myths

Posted on 06 August 2008
Tags: Authenticity

I was part of a homeless church for 9 years.
I remember driving by Harvest Christian Fellowship on my way to and from work and thinking gangsta thoughts.
Most of the negative conversations I had in my early days of ministry were built out of jealousy and self worth.
After being a part of what is deemed as a “mega-church” for almost a year now, let me be a mythbuster.
This might take the wind out of a few your sails, but it’s better that way.

Myth: You can’t find real relationships in a mega-church
Truth: You were not in my living room Sunday night with Heather, Zach, Meghan, and I.

Myth: Mega-Churches are a mile wide and an inch deep.
Truth: I dive deeper into the core of who this church is every week and have yet to even see the bottom. When you figure out how to love your neighbor then maybe we will dive into the hermeneutical Hebrew apostolic translations.

Myth: Mega-Churches have it all figured out.
Truth: They hired me. If this was true. It no longer is.

Myth: Because they pay musicians to play on Sunday morning, there is not as much “heart” on stage.
Truth: A paycheck does not forfeit love for God. Honestly, you not only have musicians that “have heart” on stage, you now have musicians that can play their instruments well.

Myth: Mega-Churches are built on a man. The main communicator.
Truth: I have not heard one baptism video on Sunday morning with the line “I accepted Andy Stanley into my heart and am telling the world I am living the rest of my life for him!”

Myth: Mega-Church staffs are cooperate, non-relational, and stiff.
Truth: Ummmmmmmmmmmm

Myth: Mega-Churches are too uptight with their money and should just give it all away.
Truth: Please find me the verse that says churches are supposed to be stupid with their money. I am more grateful than ever to have the financial teams we have at NPMI.

Myth: Mega-Churches should spend their money rescuing orphans with all their dollars instead of building fancy buildings.
Truth: They should rescue orphans. They should also rescue Bob the 38 year old banker who lives off of Tower Place Drive in Buckhead.

Myth: 70% of all male staff try to look like Rob Bell.
Truth: OK. You got us. This one is true.

I need one of these!!

Click here for details

Dare You To Move Promo

Our creative team at FBC just produced a video for our next series.
It featured various staff members "singing" and is pretty hilarious.
We played it today and it got a great response.
Crutch and Micah did a fabulous job editing.


Dare You To Move Promo from FBCSmyrna on Vimeo.